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Stories of a Recovering Heart

 I have always flirted with the idea of unconditionaly giving pieces of my heart. Although, sometimes it didn't seem to be such a great idea (especially for my friends, who had to pick up my broken pieces after this).
 But the idea of offering simple but deep, declared and conscious emotions was such a hype.
 And I am not talking now about sex, but about a deep, profound diving into my soul, wich was so strong and natural, that not every person I have met could take it.

So, little by little, I closed my heart, without even realising it.

 Little by little, I stopped being the caring and loving woman, the childish woman who laughed carefree and I began borrowing pieces from the closed souls of the ones that touched my heart.

 Being a masculine woman (i know, it's a very weird term),  no one could hurt me anymore, no one could see through me anymore. No one could touch me.
  And I always had a role ready to play:perfect girlfriend, perfect seductive, perfect friend, perfect listener, perfect company for a crazy night-out.

No more natural, feminine me.
Just a pose of a happy, independent, and needs-free woman.
The perfect girl to take home until you realised she's empty.
No needs, no weaknesses, but no feelings too.
By losing the joy of consciously giving myself away,  I lost myself too.

 For a while, this was such a blast. No pain, no fuzz, just fulfilled needs and pretended hugs.
Later though, it wasn't enough anymore. 

 Although so free to do and be whatever I wanted, I began to talk more and more of my need of freedom. The woman inside me would rebell and cry out for help. She decided she had enough. 
Long later I understood that the availability of a woman to abandon herself to a man is the expression of a strong link with the primordial femininity and especially with sensitivity and intuition which define femininity.
 To release the woman inside me I had to be able again to trust someone not only with my body, but with my heart and mind, too.
It is a sort of an assumed: "Do what you feel with me, as I trust in you  and I trust myself I can manage this."

  And than...everything changed. I met you.  And through you I met my feminine side again. It was a full of emotions, shy meeting. I am still reaching to this with reservation, but joyful. I feel sometimes terrified, but most of the times blessed. It is like looking into a mirror and watching a completely different me, a long forgotten me. And the new and old me are developing a strong , loving relationship quickly.
 I am relaxed and open now to what you have to offer, I accept you and myself and the feelings that are growing inside me. I am prepared to meet you half way, to see you in all your good and bad moments and cherish your sincerity and vulnerability as well as your strength.

But most of all, I am prepared to unleash the love that resides in me with no shame and no expectations.

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Scrisoare catre fiul meu care nu va citi aceste randuri

Dragul meu,

stiu ca in ochii tai nu am fost mama perfecta.
Desi am facut tot ce am putut, mereu a ramas ceva ce putea fi mai bine facut, ceva ce ai fi avut nevoie si eu nu mi-am dat seama.

Dinainte sa te nasti, noi doi am fost prieteni.
Iti povesteam seara in timp ce priveam stelele tot ce am vazut, toate emotiile mele, cum e lumea in care vei veni. Iti spunea cat de bine ne vom intelege noi si ca vom fi bine. Ca orice s-ar intampla, noi ne avem unul pe altul si vom reusi impreuna sa trecem prin orice.
Si chiar asa a fost.
Iti citeam Sorell si fiul si am sperat din tot sufletul ca voi fi un parinte macar pe jumatate la fel de bun ca Sorell.
Poate am reusit sau poate nu. Doar tu stii asta.
Noi, mamele, mereu avem senzatia ca nu am facut tot ce trebuia. Dar poate tie ti-a fost de ajuns.

Stiu ca acum esti suparat ca te-am pedepsit luandu-ti laptopul. Si probabil tu crezi ca sunt nedreapta.
Si eu am crezut asta despre bunicii tai.
Dar cand vei mai creste, vei intelege ca parintii cauta s…

Daca ti-as spune ca poti avea totul, ai fi dispus sa platesti pretul?

,,nimic in viata nu este gratuit''.

E o vorba din batrani. Stiu ei ce stiu !

Gandindu-ma la asta mi-au venit in minte toate intamplarile cand am simtit ca pentru a ajunge la ceea ce imi doresc era necesar sa ma decid ce sunt dispusa sa ofer Universului in schimb.

Asa cum Phoenix trebuie sa arda intai, pentru a renaste din propria cenusa, la fel si eu a trebuit sa renunt la ceva care ma definea pentru a face loc altor lucruri mai bune.

Pentru ca nu exista lumina fara intuneric, yin fara yang, soare fara noapte si nu ai putea sti cand esti fericit, daca nu ai trecut prin perioade din care simteai ca nu mai gasesti iesirea.
Toata viata este un ciclu continuu de inceput si sfarsit.

Nu putem cunoaste extazul daca nu cunoastem agonia intai- si cu cat e agonia mai adanca, cu atat mai puternic vei putea simti extazul. Totul are un pret. Extazul se plateste prin agonie.

Pentru a te elibera de durere, trebuie sa o cunosti intai, sa treci prin ea. Nu te poti elibera de ceea ce nu cunosti.

Cuvantul care iti va schimba viata

''Daca singura rugaciune pe care o spui este Multumesc, este de ajuns.''
Meister Eckhart

Fii recunoscator pentru ceea ce nu ai....daca ai avea, ce rost ar mai avea viata fara vise?
Fii recunoscator pentru ceea ce nu stii...e o oportunitate sa inveti.
Fii recunoscator pentru toate greutatile prin care treci...doar asa vei creste.
Fii recunoscator pentru limitarile tale...ele iti dau oportunitatea sa te dezvolti.
Fii recunoscator pentru fiecare provocare...iti va construi caracterul si te va intari.
Fii recunoscator pentru greselile pe care le faci...te invata lectii valoroase.
Fii recunoscator pentru momentele cand te simti epuizat...inseamna ca ai dat tot ce puteai.

E usor sa fii recunoscator pentru lucrurile bune din viata ta...totusi, o viata plina de impliniri este data celor care au multumit pentru piedicile intalnite in drumul lor.
Recunostinta transforma ''zilele negre'' in "zile albe''.
Azi poate ti se pare greu sa spui Multumesc.