Stories of a Recovering Heart





 I have always flirted with the idea of unconditionaly giving pieces of my heart. Although, sometimes it didn't seem to be such a great idea (especially for my friends, who had to pick up my broken pieces after this).
 But the idea of offering simple but deep, declared and conscious emotions was such a hype.
 And I am not talking now about sex, but about a deep, profound diving into my soul, wich was so strong and natural, that not every person I have met could take it.

So, little by little, I closed my heart, without even realising it.

 Little by little, I stopped being the caring and loving woman, the childish woman who laughed carefree and I began borrowing pieces from the closed souls of the ones that touched my heart.

 Being a masculine woman (i know, it's a very weird term),  no one could hurt me anymore, no one could see through me anymore. No one could touch me.
  And I always had a role ready to play:perfect girlfriend, perfect seductive, perfect friend, perfect listener, perfect company for a crazy night-out.

No more natural, feminine me.
Just a pose of a happy, independent, and needs-free woman.
The perfect girl to take home until you realised she's empty.
No needs, no weaknesses, but no feelings too.
By losing the joy of consciously giving myself away,  I lost myself too.

 For a while, this was such a blast. No pain, no fuzz, just fulfilled needs and pretended hugs.
Later though, it wasn't enough anymore. 

 Although so free to do and be whatever I wanted, I began to talk more and more of my need of freedom. The woman inside me would rebell and cry out for help. She decided she had enough. 
Long later I understood that the availability of a woman to abandon herself to a man is the expression of a strong link with the primordial femininity and especially with sensitivity and intuition which define femininity.
 To release the woman inside me I had to be able again to trust someone not only with my body, but with my heart and mind, too.
It is a sort of an assumed: "Do what you feel with me, as I trust in you  and I trust myself I can manage this."

  And than...everything changed. I met you.  And through you I met my feminine side again. It was a full of emotions, shy meeting. I am still reaching to this with reservation, but joyful. I feel sometimes terrified, but most of the times blessed. It is like looking into a mirror and watching a completely different me, a long forgotten me. And the new and old me are developing a strong , loving relationship quickly.
  
 I am relaxed and open now to what you have to offer, I accept you and myself and the feelings that are growing inside me. I am prepared to meet you half way, to see you in all your good and bad moments and cherish your sincerity and vulnerability as well as your strength.

But most of all, I am prepared to unleash the love that resides in me with no shame and no expectations.

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