There comes a time when, no matter how hard you try not to see the obvious, the truth hits you and you just don’t get to run anymore.
Sometimes in the shape of a fortunate (or unfortunate) event, sometimes in the shape of a person, the universe will always reach you, no matter how hard you try to keep your eyes tightly closed. There might be a sign on your usual , every day road to work. A sign you’ve always watched, but never saw.
There might be a phone call from the one you love, that will give you chills.
There might be a ,,mirror’’, and seeing it all in another person makes you realise and understand the things you’ve been trying to avoid.
These days, I’ve reached the point where I had no escape. I had to face the old, yet unknown to me wounds and new perspectives on the things I thought I had figured out already.
And there was no way out, no place to hide, nothing to cover my eyes with. Like a wild, cornered animal I was tempted to fight, to defend myself and I realised that -not only I was hitting the one I was supposed to love and cherish, but i was dishonest with myself .
Running away from commiting to someone is the same as running away from commiting to myself.
By failing to stay true to one person, I’m failing not only to enjoy the perks of a real bond, but I’m failing to fully open my heart. By associating the intimacy with the pain I felt in the past, I am hiding behind a huge desire for freedom. And that not only hurts the one close to me, but hurts myself too.
Yes, letting someone in my closed heart would reveal my deepest wounds, my deepest fears. But after all, this is the whole idea of courage: to have my knees trembling, but with wide open heart to go straight forward.To take time to ask myself what I really feel. To have the courage to admit to myself that I am afraid. Even warriors are afraid.It is ok.
Because our mind tricks us. We find lots and lots of reasons to leave :we’re not ready, there are other priorities, we need time , we need space, we ...we...we...But these are just excuses.
When you feel the need to find something better, maybe you just have to ask yourself if you are running towards something better , or maybe just to release yourself from the ,,relationship cage’’ you think you’re in.
When you feel the need to protect yourself, maybe you just have to ask yourself if you really need to use these ,,big walls’’ and ,,big balls’’ against the one that touches your heart.
Maybe there is an older wound, and if you have patience and courage, you’ll find out that he’s not hurting you, but healing your most feared scars.