Tuesday, 21 March 2017

Naked in Body and Soul



“We were together. I forgot the rest.” ~ Walt Whitman

You helped me see myself when I was visibile to everyone, but invisible to myself. 


There was something you recognized beneath all the false identities I had. So many , that even I didn't know who I was anymore. 
You made me smile from my soul for the first time in a very long time, not because you gave me something, but simply because your presence made me feel joy and made me desire to live.
And it came naturally for you. It was in that moment I began to fall.
In the beginning, we were chaos and fire.
We rubbed each other and seemed to trigger one another; it was almost as if we were destined to only show each others wounds.
Yet, even then there was a little voice who told me to run and another louder one that told me that "this is not all. the real stuff will show when the wounds are healed."
So I dove into the pain. 
I dove into my soul searching for every scar that frightened me so; for every wound that you triggered I suffered a lot and came back for more for I knew. 
I always knew that beyond all this there will stand the woman ready for love, ready for the nurturing love that I was created for.
I always knew you'll hurt me.
Since our first fight. And I always knew that this will be such a great lesson that will set me free from my demons.
There was a reason that I never said goodbye to you. And it is not because I didn't have the courage to leave. I could  see why you came into my life in the first place.
When we find someone who, even as unlikely as it seems, is a part of us, then there isn’t any way to really leave them behind.
You burned me. You set fire to the life that I had become comfortable with. You held up a mirror and it hurt me to see what reflected back.
There was nothing about your presence that would let me stay sleeping in this life. The life I have created was not serving me anymore. I needed to be broken in order to break the walls, in order to reveal my true self. 
 We danced in and out of intimacy and friendship, yet all along we were beautifully growing.
I am not the woman you met a year ago anymore. 
I wasn't the woman you knew for so many times in our story. And you were not the same man. With every pain, we grew. We became more. And I always craved for more. 
You saw me;and I saw you. As you were, with all your flaws. With all your scars. And perhaps  I still see you, even when you don't see yourself.
And when we kissed that first time, I think I forgot my own name.
You touched me like I always needed someone to, and even when it wasn’t all I wanted, somehow it still ended up being enough.
I was okay with that. I was okay with your walls. I was ok with your fears, because I knew that if we have the strength to go through this, in the end we'll shine like diamonds. 
I accepted that, because I  accepted you for who you were.
I loved you because I loved what I could read into your eyes. 
That was your gift for me. 
That is the most precious gift you gave me: the stories of fear and pain, the love you could not accept to feel, the care you hugged me into, the touch of your hands when you wanted just to feel my skin, but most of all, the look in your eyes when you looked at me wondering if I am the one, wondering if my face is what you want to see for the rest of your life. And all this time, your hesitation didn't scare me. 
Because I could see in your eyes what you couldn't say, what you couldn't even allow yourself to see. 
But things change, as they often do.
The walls fell down.
I was no longer scared of losing you, because I figured that if you were still here in my life, then it was because of a reason, and so gradually and slowly I began to show you who I really am.
I did it in pieces and bits, while my heart was racing, wondering if it would be too much. All my life I was told that I am too much to handle.
But it never was, the only thing that happened is that with each word, each conversation, I began to forget about anyone else that wasn’t you.
Through midnight conversations about life and God, I suddenly realized that this was what I had needed all along, but I just never expected that someone could understand the inner fights of my mind.
But you did.
The more I revealed, the more released I felt. The more you revealed, the more I wanted.
Even now, it’s a painful reality that hits me, bringing tears to my eyes—the belief that I could probably sit with you each evening, and never get tired of talking to you, never get tired of feeling your embrace. Just like that. Nothing more.
It’s a knowing that no one else will ever be you.
At some point through our fantasies and passion, something changed, my heart opened up and even though it was so hard I couldn't find any reasons why in the end of all of this it shouldn’t be you. 
You never knew my struggles with this. You always thought that I was ready. But I wasn't. I fought my demons and my fears every day, learning to stand by your side unconditionally. And it was hard. But it was worth it. It was my Jihad. But I won the battle.
The reality is that even though the words of love have so rarely passed your lips, no other man has ever made me feel more loved than you.
It’s interesting how that can occur, and maybe there’s a truth to what we feel rather than what we hear.
But in the end, you left.
Not really though, but just enough for me to feel your absence. Just enough for me to feel the emptiness in my soul when you’re not next to me, because whether I wanted it to feel that way or not, something about you being here with me always me made more complete.More whole.
And now I know that we really were "the ones". 
The problem was the lens through which we saw it. 
My heart knows now that I was made to nurture you and to be protected by your love. The problem is that as I stopped searching for the one and grew into being myself the right one, you stopped searching for love and healing and searched instead for confort and patterns.
You stopped trying to be the one for your woman and started searching for the woman.
“What we want is someone to be naked with, not only in body but in soul.” ~ J. Iron Word
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